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Friday, January 23, 2015

A Little Birdy

This week has been rough. Not gonna lie. I guess I jinxed myself by saying I was feeling better because the morning sickness and exhaustion decided to rear their ugly little heads this week like never before. About every 20 minutes Monday, you could find me on the back sidewalk of my school trying to not puke my guts up in front of the kids playing on the playground. The fresh air was the only thing that seemed to help somewhat calm my stomach. Unfortunately, you can't really teach much standing on the sidewalk with your stomach in your throat. It's just been really, really tough. It seemed to just get worse as the week has gone on. I actually called in late for the first time EVER yesterday because I just couldn't get myself together.

Add to that the fact we transitioned Emerson to a big sister bed this week. It's actually my first big girl bed from when I was a kid! Justin did a great job repainting it, and Emerson really seems to like it. The only trouble is she doesn't want to fall asleep in it. Even though she's stayed in it all night and seems to sleep great, she wants us to put her to sleep every night. It wouldn't be that bad if she didn't weigh almost 40 pounds! There is zero chance this preggo mommy can get herself and a 40 pound sleeping toddler out of the rocking chair and into the bed without some pain. That means poor Justin has been stuck putting her to bed each night.

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Add to that the fact that I have been teaching in this:

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Our school is currently under major construction. The classroom that I've been teaching in this week is right in the thick of things. Tuesday, they started breaking up the sidewalk right outside our door. I've never realized how stinking LOUD construction can be! The kids were champs though, and we had some good laughs at just how crazy the situation is. It brought up several great conversations about if you want something great (like a new school) sometimes you have to do hard things (like teaching over concrete-breaker-uppers). 

Add to that the fact I just feel like I have sucked it up at the pregnancy thing this time around. I constantly feel guilty that I am so tired, I'm drinking too much caffeine, not eating enough green vegetables, I still pick Emerson up, we have no idea about names or rooms or anything, you name it and I feel bad about it. I don't know what it is that has made me feel like this, but I feel like I have yet to really be excited about this pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, I know FULL WELL what a blessing and gift even getting a positive pregnancy test is!!! With Emerson, I never ever took a single moment for granted. I think that's what makes me feel so guilty about how I feel now. I would never, ever wish this away. I just wish I felt more excited instead of overwhelmed, exhausted, and sick. I wish I had more energy and patience to give to Justin and Emerson. I wish Justin wasn't getting stuck with bedtime each night and all the other stuff that I am not supposed to be doing. I'm so grateful for him and his willingness to help, but I feel so guilty that he is just stuck with it all. By this point with Em, I had her verse picked out that I constantly prayed over her...I haven't even tried to find the twins one. I searched for nursery ideas, kept up with each week of her development...I haven't even thought of those things this time around! I know a lot of people chalk it up to Second Child(ren) Syndrome, but I don't want to do that. (After all, I was a second child!) I feel like I let people down left and right because I just don't have it in me to do all the things I was doing.I've let myself feel really down about it. 

Yesterday, as I was driving to work (late and feeling guilty!), I noticed Emerson's picture on the dashboard from church the night before: 
 

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I'm not sure if you can see it, but the verse on the bottom says, "Don't be afraid, you are worth more than many sparrows." Luke 12:7

 Let's just say I had to pull myself together again before I could walk into school. Isn't that the truth?!?! No matter what's going on...no matter how badly I think I am sucking it up...He still loves me. He still takes care of me. He's still going to provide for me. There is nothing to fear. So, my goal is to rest in that...to stop worrying about what I am doing or not doing, stop feeling badly for the way I physically feel, and rest in Him. I know it's easier said than done. I know it's not my personality, but I am CHOOSING to trust Him. 

We have our officially official baby appointment Monday. In the meantime, if you feel like it, please pray for: 1.) My blood pressure to be perfectly perfect. (It tended to be high with Emerson.) 2.) Healthy development for both babies. 3.) The financial part to be smooth and doable. (Did you know it costs more to have 2 babies instead of 1!?!) I'll update more after the appointment.

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