I feel like I've been playing a form of this game lately. Only it's really been 0 Truths and a Whole Bunch of Lies. People can read it all over me too.
The past few weeks have just been an outright struggle...especially at work. I've mentioned how I am not in the classroom anymore. I'm a curriculum facilitator for writing and technology now. Let's be honest, I have no idea what that means. So far, if you asked me, I'd tell you it means that I feel pretty miserable being out of the classroom. I feel lost, without a purpose, overwhelmed, and under-used. I miss teaching. I miss having my own class. I miss knowing every day what I am supposed to do. I miss being happy about coming to work. I love, love, love teaching. It's all I ever wanted to do. I thought being out of the classroom and moving into a position of helping teachers would be just as rewarding...but it hasn't been so far. There have been lots and lots of tears. There has been a struggle to even get up and drag myself to work, which is not me at all. There have been moments I catch myself literally counting the days until May 30th, and it's only the 3rd week of school.
It has been HARD.
I know that part of my struggle is against fear--fear of failing, fear of rejection, fear of being vulnerable. Part of my struggle is against losing control. (I know I am a good teacher. I had control of my teaching.) Part of my struggle is against letting God change me. I talked with my principal (who is wonderful and understanding) last week about how I am feeling. She very lovingly told me that she is going to make me stick this out. She knows that this is God stretching me, and a lot of times that hurts. She assured me that if I still hate it after a year, she'll let me go back into the classroom. In the meantime, I've got to put my big girl undies on and just do this.
There have been so many days lately, though, where I just do not want to do it. I want to go back into my comfort zone. I want to curl up with the blanket over my head and hope nobody notices that I have checked out. I think in a lot of ways I have let myself actually do that too.
I am tired of it though.
I've been very consistent in my time with God. He's heard me grumble and gripe a lot, but my faith in what He's done has not changed. I've reached out to my inner-circle people. I have begged for God's peace. Still, none of that does me any good if I am not willing to stand up and fight for myself. Being a warrior is part of my identity in God---and not just a warrior for my family, but for myself. It's time I STOP believing the lies that Satan is selling me, and start believing the truth of who God is and who He says I am.
I saw someone post this Saturday after the Beth Moore simulcast, and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
It was exactly what I needed to hear. I've written this out and I am committing it to memory NOW. This is who I am in Christ. I am not lost, purpose-less, and defeated. I am redeemed, loved, pursued, and purposeful.
The last part is what speaks so clearly to me. When I was pregnant with Emerson, and we weren't sure she was going to stick around, I would pray Jeremiah 17:7 over and over again. In fact, this was my computer background through my whole pregnancy:
I trust Him. I believe I am who He says I am. I believe He is who He says He is. I believe He can do what He says He can do. I believe He WILL do it. I believe that He is for me and not against me. I believe that He has a purpose for each moment and position I am in. I believe that He is GOOD. I believe that I am in his unshakable hand. My confidence is in HIM.
Will you pray for me though? Pray that He will ingrain this on my heart deeply. Pray that I will see clearly the lies of satan and replace them with the TRUTH of God. Pray for me to begin to love this job, and to use it for HIS glory.
In return, I'd love to pray for you. Comment, text me, email, whatever...let me know how I can pray for you.