Wednesday, May 9, 2012
I feel like it's taboo to complain about being pregnant. I did it to myself. When we were struggling to get pregnant and after my miscarriage I would go all Judgy-McJudgertons on people who complained about being pregnant. I would think, "Don't you know what you have? Don't you know how many women would kill to be in your position?!" It really would make me mad. To be blunt, a lot of the complaints I heard would still make me mad today. (I mean, who really complains that they didn't get enough M&Ms in their Blizzard as if DQ has it out for them personally just because they're preggo?) Looking back on it, it probably wasn't anger that I was feeling as much as jealousy. I would have given anything to be in their place. Give me swollen ankles if it ends with a baby in 9 months! I'd happily take them. I'll take being sick every day! I'll happily wear the maternity clothes! (Who seriously complains about stretchy pants?!) I was totally willing to deal with their "hardships."
And pride goes before the fall...
In an attempt to be transparent and really record this journey of ours, I'm going to be honest and say...I've become a pregnant complainer.
Please don't get me wrong. I know what a privilege it is to be at this stage with a healthy baby girl kicking in my ever-growing belly. I've had too many friends go through losing babies or kids with illnesses to ever think that I have it worse than they do. I know that I can't imagine that pain (one miscarriage and a little infertility were enough for me), and there is not a day that goes by that I don't thank God for His mercy and grace in giving us this child. So, if you are one who has suffered a loss or are currently in that awful, horrible state of waiting, please know that I am not trying to make light of your situation. I've walked in those shoes a few miles. This post is really just for me to look back on and remind myself of lessons that I'm learning, and to serve as a reminder of this stage in our life.
I love being pregnant, but I'm also learning the pain, patience, and selflessness it takes to have a baby.
The past 2 weeks have just been especially hard on me. Physically, everything hurts. It hurts to sit. It hurts to stand. It hurts to pick up my leg enough to put on my pajama pants. (Keepin' it real. I live in those now.) It hurts to get in the car, get out of the car, look at the car. Sometimes it hurts to breathe. It hurts to walk. Worst of all, it hurts to lay down. We're talking, take-my-breath-away-hurts a lot of the time. I have intense old-lady menopausal hot flashes that are enough to make me want to climb into the freezers at Walmart for relief. I have stabbing pains that make me come off of my seat. I'm like a ninety-year-old still having to check my blood pressure twice a day. I'm also pretty sure my doctor told me today she thinks I have reflux, which is why I keep puking.
Emotionally, I am a stinking wreck. I'm annoying myself at how irritated and grouchy I am. Case in point, I could not sleep last night because little whisps of my hair kept tickling my face. I'm not kidding! I literally did.not.sleep. because of some stupid baby bangs. I tried everything I could think of other than sleeping in a hat. I could not let it go. I was so irritated by it I was on the verge of just weeping! Over hair!!! People are on my last nerve too. I am so snippy, even though I don't mean to be. I just want to hole-up in our house and not be around anyone because I know they will ask me the same questions over and over and over again and I'm sick of saying, "Yep, still pregnant." and hearing them say how disappointed they are. REALLY?! You are disappointed that I'm still carrying around the child?!? The sad thing is I know they are excited and want to help us out. I know they are trying out of the goodness of their hearts to "help" us but I really just want to sit in peace on the couch in my pjs and not worry about entertaining or explaining. I hate feeling this way!!! Justin asked me if I know how I am feeling is irrational, why do I let myself feel that way. The only thing I can say back to that is because I feel like I have no control over it right now. I'm just a mess!
I'm also struggling with being selfish with Emerson when she does arrive. Part of me wants to pretty much demand that nobody posts anything on Facebook or email or whatever else before we have a chance to announce her arrival. I feel like this is a special moment for us-with our daughter-and nobody should get to take that away from us. Then again, I know they're just going to be excited too, and I'm going to look like a total you-know-what telling them they can't announce anything. I want to tell them that they can't kiss her on the mouth (that seriously grosses me out) or put their fingers around her mouth. They can't wear clothes that are coated in perfume/cologne/smoke/you name it. I want to require them to leave us alone to have bonding time as a family of 3 without getting feelings hurt. I don't want people camped out at our house when we get home. Again though, I struggle with am I being selfish? Am I taking away from other people's enjoyment of this occasion with my demands? Shouldn't I be so thankful and thrilled that people are truly excited about her and want to celebrate her? Why can't I just let it go? And for Pete's sake, why do I keep worrying about these things over and over again?
I am SO thankful though that I had a good talk with my doctor today who told me that all of these feelings are completely normal. Even though she warned me that my hormones will continue to rage for weeks after Em arrives, she assured me that I am not losing my mind. I may be the dragon-lady now, but it won't stay that way. That made me feel a whole lot better. I feel like there's this whole realm of pregnancy that nobody really talks about. Everyone acts like it's sunshine and roses or that the biggest obstacles are physical, but I don't think they are. Wrapping my head and heart around what is about to happen to us (while dealing with the craziness of this estrogen) has been much harder than the physical pain. I long to feel like myself again. I know I will. I have no doubt about that. In the meantime, I just don't like this whiny, pain-filled, selfish, worrisome person I have become. That's the truth.
So, I am going to make a very conscious effort to replace the negative with the positive for the next few weeks. I want to enjoy this time and stop being so miserable. I will choose to be thankful in ALL circumstances...even with my baby bangs.
*And for those that have asked...we're still playing the waiting game on when Emerson will arrive. She seems to be doing fantastic and my blood pressure has been "perfect" so the doctor wants us to try to wait her out another week before we make any decisions on inducing or c-sections (because of Em's size). I'll be checked out again next Wednesday with an ultrasound to see how big she is, and we'll go from there. I didn't have any progress at my appointment this week, but my doc says there is still a real chance I can naturally go into labor anytime. We shall see.